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My brother Lloyd Williamson forwarded these holiday
office communications which I hope you'll richly enjoy. Let it remind us that
this holiday season, no matter what religion or ethnic group, has always been basically
a celebration of life in the midst of death (winter), and let each of us celebrate
life to the fullest this holiday season in our own way, despite whatever losses
we have had this past year.
Annual Christmas Party
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog
and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
(though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it
our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting
a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget,
if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.
In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the
union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert
buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit
with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have
their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa
Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Resources
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians --
I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open
Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the
"grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic
tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me?
The B**** from Hell
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
Moral of this story, according to my brother? A quote:
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change
the world-- Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
Margaret Meade
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